Like Lucy

It’s such a weird feeling not being able to be with family for the holidays. If any of you have seen “While You Were Sleeping,” you have a glimpse of what it feels like. In some ways, I feel very much like Lucy. This Thanksgiving week I have the necessary, but isolating, task of providing medical care on Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. No possible way to go home. And even if I decided to drive the 9-hour round trip to central Missouri, I would end up at an empty house as my parents are flying halfway across the United States to visit my sister and bro-in-law.

I watch as both my ex-boyfriends are going home with their families to celebrate the holidays. One with a girlfriend; the other will also celebrate a birthday. And my heart is sad – it feels keenly the loss of a family by proxy. I watch as my roommate leaves with her boyfriend to spend time with his family two states away. My single friends have places to go, family to see. I know I’m not the only one alone this holiday – but sometimes that’s the way it feels.

Although I tend to keep busy and find plenty of things to occur my mind and time, if I stop, it becomes hard to deny the loneliness. I think this has been my particular burden for years – on and off through high school, college, working years, and grad school. I know I can’t “fix” this issue. I know no person can “fix” this issue. It’s an issue of the heart and spirit. Only Jesus truly satisfies. He does want use to have community, companionship, and life partners too though.

As you’ve probably noticed, there’s a whole lot of “feeling” going on here. I know my thoughts guide my emotions. I know emotions can be deceitful. I know truth should be the guiding principle for my emotions. I get it; my mind knows it. But my heart is still lagging.

This post is not intended to blame anyone. It’s not a call to action for others to fix the issue. I think it’s more for my benefit to write it than for people to solve the problem. I’m still a desperate work in progress. I yearn for the day when we are perfected and all hurt is banished forever.